sucks


second week and it is still kicking my ass

I have been having vertigo so strong I cant walk straight

I have also been having facial numbness and ringing in my ears, which is disconerting.

The strange this is with the dizziness, I have been having memory lapses. Like I am losing time. Now is not a good time to be re-watching the sciFi series - taken. Too many years of those types of dreams along with the dizzy spells creep me out.


I have an MRI tuesday. The doctors are leaning towards migraine/inner ear infection/labrythitis/they really have no idea so the give it a name and rule out everything else with lots of tests along the way to rule out a .00001 chance of it actually being a brain tumor.

Funny thing is, mom has had an inoperable brain tumor/pituitary tumor they found when she was in her late 30's.

Mom also has epilepsy- petit mal seizures - so mom is convinced this is what is happening to me. They only found it because she had a siezure when they were doing an EEG for the pituitary tumor at Johns Hopkins.

I am having a momentary period of lucidness - clear headed a little.

http://www.labyrinthitis.org.uk/

I hate talking to people, though, because the dizziness/whatever the hell it is makes me forget half way through a sentence.

They did neurological function tests - it was not a stroke - which is what I thought when my face/forehead felt a bit numb.



I am really pissed off/scared/frustrated.

Last Night I had a VERY odd dream. (I still need to post the other dream, I promise to later tonight.)

I had a flashback type dream that was like a recap episode of XFiles. I had images of alien and shadow type dreams go on for a while. It was like it was reminding me of all my past nightmares, put into a single contect so I could not miss the importance of this dream. I was actually standing, watching the dreams flash before me like I was watching a hologram replay.

I then flashed to a few conversations with my family members. I saw my mother telling me when I was a child that she chose my birthday due to her strange birth defect. I was born in Syracuse New York on Leap Year, 1968. She will never forget the time, because just as I was born, the famous power outage hit and knocked out the electric clock, marking the time I was born.

I then flash to a story where my grandmother was telling me about the metal piece found in his head during his medical exam for entry in the army. It was odd, and no one ever knew where it came from.

I was then shown the entire sequence again, in shortened version, with the exception of the time of my birth emphasized again. I saw a glowing in the sky above the earth while she was telling me about my birth.

How weird is that.

So, who knows about UFO incidents in 1968? The power outage? I have so many things I am researching right now, but it looks like many of those will be put on hold for a while.

Any help with places to look for info would be greatly appreciated as I have not ever looked into UFO incidents in a serious research manner.

I am not saying this means I have been abducted, or anything. I just feel like i need to some research to fiind out if any part of the dream is true, just for personal validation and because I won't be able to let the dream go until I examine all aspects and pick it apart until it falls apart and looses its hold on me or I find a stange nugget of truth.

I have a lot of night terrors and always had my entire life. Most of them I post or have told close friends. There is one dream type that I have that scares me enough so that I dont really talk about it to anyone.

Given the fact that I have night terrors, you might think that I frighten easily. I dont really, it is just that I have seen a lot of really bad stuff first hand so it gives my brain fertile material to haunt me in my dreams. In real life I have been stabbed, stabbed another (self defense), seen someone kill a dog while threatening me, been shot at (well my car, but we were trespassing looking for a haunt back in the mid 80s - but my car had a bullet hole, and that was kind of cool, to be honest) jumped off a bridge but was caught by my shirt..... ok, well you get the point and these are things I am willing to talk about.... I may seem kind of quiet and timid, but really that is just a protection to keep people back. I am not unbalanced, but I was kind of self destructive and acted out during my younger days in reaction to some stuff that I am sorry to say happens to most people to some degree.

I have also come to terms for the most part with everything that has happened. I honestly would not really change antying either. It made me a stronger person, and I am pretty good at dealing with people during traumatic situations. If I had time and money I would go back to school to become a counselor.

Babbling again. I tend to do this when it is something I do not normally talk about. I am prety willing to show positive emotion, but the more traumatic or strongly I feel about something, the less I usually reveal even to family. Except for anger. I can show anger because it does not really make you appear weaker. I will try to focus here.

Actually, the thing that scares me most in my dreams is kind of embarrasing. When I say it, it sounds really silly. With the demonic/shadow dreams, they scare me frequently because I am worried I will give in to the demons, I think. The inner demons bother me more. Plus, deomons can be banished and controlled. The other dreams are something I do not understand nor no how to control.

Well, I have to say it. Its alien abductions. This is so cheesy to me. I see myself standing in a trailer park as I say this, wearing a tinfoil cap. (Thechnically for a few months I did live in a trailer park in Alaska with my grandmothers and aunts and uncles.) I know this is a horrible stereotype. Signs was the scariest move I ever saw in my life.

I will spare you the many dreams in the past that I have had for the time being. Last night was the first time I have had this dream in several years. I have not had the dream since I did a lot of cleansing/protections on my house, which I figured just had a placebo effect. Whatever helps me sleep! I had less night terrors as well.


Last night, it follows the same pattern. I smell ozone. If feels absolutely like I am awake. If I did not know better (and this has to be true, or I could not sleep ever again, I would swear on my life that I am awake.) I can see my house clearly, hear the cats running around in the living room and fighting over something.. .hissing... I can hear my dog snoring. I hear a humming/buzzing that is getting louder. I shut my eyes and I dont move. I am afraid to move, because I know from past experience I cannot, and that just makes it seem more real. I am afraid to open my eyes - I pretend that I am sleeping. It goes faster if I do not open my eyes. I try to keep my mind a blank, so they cannot tell I am awake. Crap.

The buzzing noise in my head gets very loud, sounding like my spine where it connects with my skull is vibrating. The ozone smell is stronger. For the first time I have had this dream, I realize the loud buzzing sounds exactly like the buzzing noise you hear right before anesthesia before you do under. Excactly. I think, maybe I am waking up from my surgery, or just remembering my surgery while I am sleeping.

I open my eyes to see if I am in the hospital. I am in my bedroom still. I can see my dog. I see the walls like I just repainted this so it is a current memory. Darn. I see a hand coming over my face from my left.. but it is long and thin and grey with 3 or 4? fingers with sucker somethings on the tips. Shit! I know those hands. I shut my eyes but I know they saw my eyes open. The buzzing gets MUCH louder and then I do not remember anything. I wake up slowly, the buzzing fading. I am pretty freaked out and I am up for the rest of the night. I did not see the clock the first time but it was 4:12 when I woke up the second time.

My entire body hurts like I tensed all my muscles and my asmthma kicks in from the adrenaline. I have a charlie horse in my foot, even, I was so tense. My sinuses, throat and mouth is very dry. My sinuses burn they are so dry, but the humidity is very high- 80-90 percent. I get up and spray saline solution into my nose and it feels better immediately. I am up for the rest of the night.

Today when I was at the doctors office they gave me a steroid shot because my asthma was still so bad. I had some serious fear and adrenaline going through me to have it flare that bad.

I really hate that dream. I hate how real it seems and how it always matches my house as it is currently, not composed of old paint colors and pictures. I wish just once I could incorporate old furniture or elements from the wrong time of year.

Grandma dumped her good for nothing boyfriend. Go Grandma!!! Just please wait at least a few weeks before you start trolling for men on the internet or vegas!

Last night I had the dream about the hurricane again. This time it starts my mom, dad and myself are on a cruise ship. We have to get off because of a huge storm/hurricane is coming. We cant get a car to get off the island to the main land so we are stuck in a hotel on the beach. The waves break through the windows, so we have to keep climbing higher and higher to get away. The storm was supposed to have weakened, but it grew at the last minute.


Later that night I had a dream I got into my car. Before I got in, I looked in the backseat for a stranger. After I got in and was driving, a huge black shadow appears. I was mad because I looked! I asked him where he was hiding. He just said that I was going to die. I told him "back at you buddy." I start driving REALLY fast, weaving around to try to get the attention of a police car. He told me that was a mistake.

I am driving down a very long, straight car. I cant see the cop in my back window. What the hell do you have to do to get a ticket? I am looking around for a good place to smash the car. I have a seat belt and air bags and the bastard in the back seat has none of those. I figured the odds were best if I wrecked the car. I see a building up ahead, but the car is slowing down. Dont you know I am running out of gas! I filled the tank, so the shadow must have known my plan.

I pull into a small strip mall. I run into the building. At this point, someone else is with me. (I dont know if it is a male, female, young or old. Its more like my own personal shadow.) We are inside trying to decide what to do. The shadow cant seem to come into the light, but he is looking for a way to turn out the lights (I knew this but did not see him.) We know the front and back door would be covered by him. I look around the back room of a store, and I see a ladder going into the ceiling/attic. We climb up and I pull up the ladder. I look around and see an access to the roof. We are out on the roof, climbing from store to store. My plan is to go out on the side of the building. Somehow we manage to jump down (arent dreams convenient) and we are running along the tree line next to a huge field. We run for quite a while, then I decide to look for a nice place to hide. We hide in a bush. I am starting to get wet with dew and I wake up.

1. Mothman Prophecies

2. Signs

3. White Noise

4. Psycho

5. Identity


Ok, Identity was not that scary, but I loved it and it has John Cusak, hence the Top 5 placement.

Psycho may not really be that scary, but I was afraid to shower for years growing up.

Aliens scare the crap out of me. Really.

My entire life I can remember two recurring dreams that would wake me absolutely terrified. The two were very vivid. with little variation.

The first is a dream of waking up and seeing a man over me. At first glance, this does not seem to be so scary. Nothing happened. I always woke up in a cold sweat, sometimes sceaming and would be too frightened to sleep again. While this never happened to me, it always seemed like I remembered it, so I thought maybe it was something from a past life. My fear was it was a supressed memory or a future occurance.

The other dream was a dream that something is hunting me down looking for me to steal me away. Same response for a dream that does not seem nearly as scary as others I have.

This morning, I realized these were not my dreams or memories, but my mothers. I just knew it deep inside. Its the same feeling I get when I get suddend flashes of info about other people deepest secrets.


I went to my mothers house early this morning. I asked her about both of these dreams meant, because they kept plaguing me and if understood them itshould help. She got very pale and told me the following:


When she was young she did not have an curtains on her bedroom window. Her bed was directly next the the window, and she would wake up sometimes with this guy staring down at her. It used to terrify her, and she cannot stand a window without the shades drawn to this day. She would not elaborate more, but I think there is more to the story. I am going to give her time to tell me.

The second thing she told me was once we lived in an apartment complex when I was less than 6 months. While I was sleeping and my mom was in the shower, someone broke in to the apartment and took me. It was a neighbor who eventually confessed and gave me back. This of course was very stressful for my mother.

It is a relief to understand these dreams and to realize they were not my own nightmares, but my mothers. I feel like a burden has been lifted.


******
I never could lie to my mom because I was always sure she could read minds. I would rember odd moments like when we would be at a grocery store and she would say to an older stranger in line, "Dont worry, your not pregnant" The lady teared up, said thank god or something like that and hugged my mom. Then they both realized how weird it was and just started the inane conversations between strangers.


I do this is well. It is one of the reasons my mom, myself and most of her family are so solitary. Large group of strangers are very painful to be around as there is so much emotional garbage and information coming in at once. Half the family lives in the backwoods of Alaska and homeschool their kids.

Rats, gotta run to work. I will explore this topic later under clairsentience. No time to spell check so bad grammer will rule this entry if I dont ever get the urge to clean it up. Presence of this paragraph indicates... rats, gotta run.