This afternoon the conversation naturally turned to spouse abuse. A few of us in my area were carrying on a conversation when one of the guys made a comment that truly upset one of my friends at work.

One of the girls had managed to come out of a very abusive relationship and still lives in fear of her ex. He had threatened to kill not only her, but her child, and she still has panic attacks occasionally. Having had someone similarly threaten me (not one I dated, but an old stalker) I understand a little better than most the chilling fear for your loved ones that such a threat can make.

Many women who stay in relationships that are abusive do not do so out of fear for their own lives. They stay to protect their children, their parents and their close friends. Abuse is insidious and they frequently break the spirit, making the fears for ones loved ones even stronger.

One of the guys mention that the woman who was killed last night had a choice to stay or to leave and she chose to stay. While on the surface this is true, the careless remark struck my friend with a pain that I myself and still reeling from. We took a walk and she cried on my shoulder for a while. I fed her every bit of strength I could manage and still drive home. It is strange, because as I was doing so, my own past fears for my own family felt almost as real as they did 25 years ago. I am sure a lot of them were actually my friends fears.

This is part of the reason I am still feeling a bit numb after today. I think this the hardest part of my day. That and reaching out with my heart - probably for the first time- as I normally close up when I hurt - and running face first into the wall. I know the situation is temporary, but still I am faltering for the moment.

I miss my old ways of dealing with the pain - turning the past abuse and pain into self abuse and physical pain to numb the heart and soul. I really do not know what to do with myself for now. Hopefully sleep will help, but sleep will elude me for a while. I can feel the demons of my night terrors scratching at the shadows of my waking mind, waiting in anticipation to rip me to shreds in my sleep.

It is strange how each time you put up a little wall to protect your heart, it becomes easier to put it up again in the future. Once the foundation is laid, the soul remembers the comfort of a wall.

Each time I have held back te tears, put on a brave face - another brick gets added to the protections. I try to take them back later, but it seems to requrie a little more effort.

Today was a sad, bad day afterwards I very much needed a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I realize I cannot reach out to where my heart wants to be, and this made the pain a little sharper - too sharp to even be able to cry anymore. A deep freeze is setting in, smoothing out the rough edges of the wounds. The slowing temperature allows the blood to flow a little slower and stop the bleeding, so it is a natural response of the body and soul.

I just am not sure I have the energy today to even bother taking down the walls again. I am too tired this evening.

Have I mentioned I am obsessive/compulsive?

I have until tomorrow morning to get the rest of the glue up before mom comes over to help. My hand is so cramped and tired that I am having trouble holding the chisel. This is a dangerous combination.

I very rarely see auras when I am awake but I do feel them. Recently I ran into a couple of wonderful people while shopping who go to the full moon circles with me as well as on a few paranormal investigations. They are very nice and caring. They even hugged me when they found out about Spike, and the energy was genuine and caring. They are Goth., dressed as such, but no big deal to me. What am I going to say after my many crimes of fashion committed in the name of Punk Rock! in my youth. I like the look, but it does not suit me at all - I don't have the face or the personality for it.

During my conversation with them, I was distracted by a necklace around the girls neck. The necklace had a bottle - no big deal - I have spell bottle necklaces myself. The necklace was high, around her throat. Ok, it was more like a collar than a necklace, but you get the picture. It was the aura around the bottle that drew my attention. The bottle had a deep red- but very muddy and uncomfortable aura. I finally realized it was a bottle of blood. I knew they practiced blood rites and what not - and consider themselves to be vampires. I cant even eat a hamburger, so I do not get the attraction. I would think it would be hard on the stomach.

I can't figure out why the aura on the blood was so much darker. I guess I should ask whose blood is in the bottle. If it is theirs, though, I wonder if it loses vitality outside the human body and is why it because so muddied.

This dream is so strange even I have no idea what it means.   I had this dream last night and emailed the basics this morning at 5:15 am.  The imagery is a bit disturbing especially given the local events.



I am lying in bed with my dog. I can hear the wind outside. My brother is in a cot or a twin bed next to mine, next to the door. He is awake and is restless as well. The door to the bedroom is cracked and darkness lies behind the gap.

A blue light starts to bleed through the door. I whack my brother and try to get him to check and see what is going on. I can’t move my legs as they have been paralyzed. I wonder if it is fear that is making me immobile. I am annoyed with my brother for not moving either.

A tall man in his mid forties enters the room. He is holding up a bloody garment that appeared to be a man's dress shirt “You will never believe what I just ran into!” He exclaims, and throws the shirt down.

First I was in a school walking down the hall. Someone had nailed three dogs and a person to the ceiling of the hall. The person and one of the dogs were dead, but two of the dogs were still alive. The dogs had been nailed by their paws and tails.

I was trying to get someone to take down the dogs that were still alive, but they would not let me. They kept saying it was a crime scene. I fought and fought but finally the dogs passed before I could save them.

Later we were on a bus going on a trip. I knew the killer was on the bus, so I was trying to prevent them from killing. I knew who she was, and she was after another girl. I found I could control her a little bit with my will, so I was trying to put her to sleep.

I finally succeeded and found that another person was also the killer and had taken out the rest of the kids. They were working together and the one let herself known to keep me distracted from the other.

I was devestated.

We arrive at our destination and we are looking for place to eat lunch. (Strange how life marches on oblivious to trauma even in dreams.) I needed to distract the one killer to take out the other. At this point, I had a male helper. He decided to shoot arrows through a yellow jacket nest in the distance to distract everyone so we could kill the killers. As he did so, though, I started floating upwards and I was unable to stop myself.


This dream sounds silly when I write it, but it was extremely bloody and traumatic.

I feel guilty and full of shame,

Yes, I have cut again.

As the blood flows my soul is clean,

And I can pretend it was all a dream.

The pain I feel makes me good,

Makes me feel the way I should.

I feel clean and pure within,

I've washed away all my sin.

I know this sin will build again,

But for now, it takes away my shame.