My brothers Cat Sandy has also passed this week. Sandy was 18 or so years old and had diabetes. I was watching her while my brother was helping my parents were driving across country to AZ. Poor Sandry had a stroke Wednesday and could not hould her head up. I took her straight to the vet, but she was just too old and she could not even stand.

I have to say I am pretty much heart broken this week. My mom has moved away and we have lost two family pets.

Sandy has moved on into the light though. I was with her when she passed, of course. The vet gave her kitty valium to relax her, and she started purring as soon as the pain went away. She was one of the sweetest cats I have ever had the pleasure to know. I am glad she was able to move on to the light.

I just had a major revelation today.

I have been studying with witch school for several years. I picked the school because it was the only school that was well structured with mentors and let you actually get your clergy status if you wanted. http://www.correllian.com/index.htm

I have to admit I have been doing it at such a slow pace because much of my free time has been taken up with paranormal studies. Also, I have been doing a lot of personal journaling and shamanic dream work. I have beendoing a lot of great growth on a spiritual level for the past several years.

This came to a halt last year when I got the flu. I also got encephalitis and since then I have had severe neuroglial effects and migraines to the point of not being able to drive, shop and barely to keep my job. It has made life a challenge because it has created interesting aura effects of light that make my physical observations of paranormal activity not usable - I can only use what I physically record. It has, however, seemed to make me a lot more sensitive and more of a conduit, though, so I can really pick up thoughts, so it is a mixed blessing. I can always go to the where the action is going to happen, which can be useful.

I came to the realization that I need to get my clergy status so I can do full blown clearings and blessings. I have reached the spiritual point in my life where the I need to merge them into a full time path. I need to help other people. Life is making it impossible for me to do the other things in life for a reason - it is a path that is wrong for me to be on. If I am to be healthy, I need to be on the other path.


MY guides frequently tell me that when I am stronger physically and I am farther along on my path with a clergy status along with legal liability protections afforded with the type of thing you can do with that I will be able to set up a practice that will allow me to do exorcisms.

My parents are moving to Arizona and I am a bit torn, now. I have to figure out how to move my spirit pets as well as my four live dogs and live cat. We will have a very full car.

Also, Arizona is the land of the sun. What does that mean to my migraines. But, it also means no allergies. Is that better? I have trouble with mirgraines with allergies. Maybe it is better to to move and have no allergy medication.

Of course the housing market means we cant do anything for a couple of years. Also I cant transfer jobs for a couple of years until my health improve enough for my job to be willing to transfer me, too.

Then again, maybe I need a fresh start.

So many paths.

I had to take two maxalt - two migraine pills because the spinning and and throwing up and confusion and ringing. I cant drive or read right now. I am frustrated because I feel like I am moving backwards. I will call my doctor in the morning and see if an adjustment will make things better.

I had hoped a diagnosis would have cured me. At least have made things better.



I have to be patient. Positive. It is hard to be light hearted when the light hurts. I spend most of my time with my four dogs. They love me and are always happy. They are light hearted and full of love.

I have been trying to focus on being grateful for having a diagnosis and not being angry it took 10 months to figure this out. I am trying to focus on the healing process and not the chances of the continual swelling caused permenant damage.

I am truly grateful for an answer, though. Truth does give you something to hold onto, a foundation to move forward from.

Last night I got NO sleep

I have extreme vertigo, nausea and generally feel like hell... physically.


But I have hope.


So all is good. Great. Wonderful. The best it has been for almost a yeat.

This is the official cause of my miseery and pain lately. Not a stroke, epilepsy, bi-polar, anxiiety or any other crap. Ok, I was anxous about all the crap.

I have scarring from the inflammation but it should hopefully improve over time.


I can cut out 4 neds and replace it with one. The doc says it should not be too bad but it may take a week to adjust off the old meds. I was on some heavy meds. I hope it does not knock me out too much. I know it will will improve things in a coule of weeks when I am off the meds. I cant help but think the meds help numb me down through the past 10 months.

For the next couple of weeks I on a steroid to try to reduce the swelling in my brain, too. Plus anti-viral meds. The doctor was shocked I managed to to make it in to work with the pain from it all. The doctor was great. He wanted to put me in the hospital. I convinced him not to. I have been home/working for 10 month - so my husband is home with me today and mom is tomorrow and Wednesday. I hope I can go back to work Thusday or Friday if the steroids and anti virals and antibiotics have helped enough. Positive thinking!!!!

I kept thinking of Joe vs the Volcano when the Dr told Joe that he had a brain cloud when the doctor was telling me about the swelling in my brain.

My neck hurts from the lumbar puntcure still. They doped me up and did a cisternal something in the base of my skull to check the CSF pressure and for infections, etc. I did not get home last night until around 6. Did I say the doctor was really good?

The pressure was increased, and other stuff were off too.

Lets hope that the damage from the 10 months of swelling can be reversed.



http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/encephalitis_meningitis/detail_encephalitis_meningitis.htm

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003428.htm

I have lost about 40 pounds in the past 18 months and I haven't even realized it. It seems so strange now to lose weight without trying.

My life is so different now - trying to gain weight instead of losing...
Someone to take care of me instead of having to take care of someone
So many words in my head but I struggle to put the correct work on paper now.

This last one is strange for me. This I think is from the medication. Before I had so many words pouring out that I had to struggle to put them in the proper order. They would fall out, words fighing to jump ahead of the queue.

Now I stare at the screen. I have so many things to say, but the words escape these days. This is why I have so many more days of silence. The abstract ideas are louder, crowding around in my brain. When the words come, I chatter quickly to my husband, hoping to quickly get the ideas out when I can, overwhelming him and my paper journal with the ideas for my scrip I am working on. I find it ironic that in this time I have found upon an idea for a book or script that is the most brilliant during the time I am least able to write. The irony is quite painful.

The pain gives me insights that I never had before and inspires me to write. I am more motivated than ever to do so. I am also so unable to do so now. It is like I am being reduced slowly to a muse, to an eye, to a vision, to an insight. I need a hand, a voice. How ironic, no.

oh, my vision is brilliant. It is also, I am ashamed to say, quite commercially viable. Perhaps that is why I have lost my voice. I am afraid to sell my soul?

I also find it ironic. I have gained a twinsoul who gives me the strenght to survive to see the insight but lost the soulmate -note this is a friend soulmate- not lover soulmate, I can explain and have in the past- who had the voice and the words. Bittersweet. Too bad the friendship was lost. He /we could have wrote a kick ass screen play and have made a ton of money.

Sill alive

Halloween was living hell

Oldest cat died.

Was in the hospital twice with migraines so bad that I could speak.

Since then they I have been avoiding computers an all things technological and light like the plague. I am doing better somewhat when I do so. They also changed some of my medications somewhat around.

It is funny that the medications that is supposed to help ease the nightmares, etc only seems to make them worse. It is like it took out the background noise and crystallized the inportant important imformormation. It is hard sometimes, because I can hear peoples thoughts more clearly these days. I wish the medications would shut this off like they are supposed to for other people. I guess a gift is a gift and has its burden to bear as well.

I feel a responsibility to help those people. It is always people that I can help and offer emotional support, such as listening ear. I never let on I know about their situation, etc, though. I just spend the time to ask how they are doing and let them know I care. Inevitably they end up either breaking down or reaching out. It is a good feeling, but it is very hard for me because i am stretched so physically thing right now. I have to trust that I am given this gift and I must learn to use it now or I use it, though.

Most nights I am too tired to even turn on my own computer, do anything, sometimes to even feed myself. David frets because cloths are falling off me now. I am now making an effort to try to save enough to take care of myself first. I cant help anyone if I drop dead.

I am getting better at shielding the thoughts out at work, now that I have started to not giving 110%. I only have trouble at the end of the week when I am tired or when my head hurts more. I have more trouble blocking out the emotion of others than I do thoughts. The emotion are more far reaching and stronger. Emotions of others can creep in even while I sleep which is part of my problem.


I am sleeping better though. This helps a lot. More sleep means I have more energy to spend on my shielding.

My dreams are occupies with the earths vibrations being off and this is partly contributing to my migraines. I /we need to ascent not just up in consciences but to the right dimensional on a quantum level. This is a dire need that I dream about every night.

David is doing very well. He loves his job. He is so wonderful and so patient with all of my pain. He was also feeding me energy to keep me alive, I think. He had been losing weight, too. He is starting to look better, now too. Coming out of the hospital and seeing how thin he was and I was made me realize how close to death I was.

I am not doing ok, I think. I think I starting to hit a low ebb this point in the day. . Maybe I am just tired or the stress of everything is getting me as it seems like no one is aware of the agony to simply sit and type this sentence. . I have the horrible ringing migraine with the spike in my head down to three days or so a week. So it is not wearing me down physically quite as quickly. I am still plugging away as long as I can but honestly it is a physical struggle that I do not feel anyone can really see. I just want you to know I am working as hard as I can. I want to be honest. I feel separated from the team and like they have no idea why I am in my little cage. Do they know I am ill? Do they think I am crazy? They can’t see my face, so how are they to know?

migraines still getting worse and they denied my case to telecommute. I am so disapointed. It just hurts so badly.

What kind of bullshit crap is that statement?

Someone who has not had had night terrors, second guessed everything half their decisions or still feel the emotional truama or pain came up with that trite statement. It's one of those things you say to some who's is is emotinally bleeding and torn and you can't think of anyting better to say, but you cant stand the silence.

Sometimmes it is just better to just keep your damaned mouth shut and give them a hug. Especially if you have never lost anyone to death, drugs, etc. Just tell them you love them and you are sorry.

Just FYI.

I have the paperwork requesting i work for home for 4-6 weeks while I get used to the side effects from topamax. I am very nervous about filling out the paperwork. If I put in something wrong, I may get denied.


It asks do you believe it to be permenant or temporary. Well the condition is permenant, but who knows about what will be permenant or temporary. If it is temporary will they decline me? If it is permenant will they decline me? This is all very scary and confusing.


It is hard when people do not understand that when my husband accidently turned on the kitchen light when I was in there, I became so ill, I vomited and still sick this morning. You just can't explain this type of light sensitivity to someone who has not experienced it. I am really afriad they will try to adjust one or two lights above me deskt. This does not work for me. I can't walk through walmart without getting sick even with a hat, scarf and sunglasses to filter out the fourescent light. I will have to walkt to the bathroom. The break room? The cafeteria? The store? The credit union? They are supposed to make these accesible to folks with disabilities, so I guess this means replacing all these lights and the walkways in between, right? Walk from the dooor to my desk? Go from meetings from my desk. They have almost two square miles of lights - it is not affordable to repace all the bulbs. I think working from home for a couple of weeks or a month is a more reasonable option for now.

David and my family have been watching me when I fall. It id not just because I am dizzy. I seem to have developed a blind spot in the bottom left part of my vision. I have a doctors appointment set up. I am quite concerned because most of my vision changes seemed to move around but this seems to be consistent.

The damned light is still killing me. Even low levels at home hurts. I have blocked the light. My husband has been painting the rooms darker. I have to find an option to going outside at night. I can go in my yard because I live in the country but I cant ride in the car because of the headlights. Working in the middle of the night works for me i guess but at work they still have flourescent lights. it would be very expensive for them to replace all the bulbs and even with hats and a scarf and sun glasses the light still bothers me. What to do?

I have been doing a little research. This seems to help for some people.

http://irlen.com/index.php?id=113


They are pretty expensive, though, so I can't afford them. It is cheaper for work, though, if it actually works. The questions is, though, do they work? I hope they do. If anyone has tried them, please let me know.

Apparantly if you use the wrong color filter, though, it can make it worse. The closest diagnostician is in North Carolina. I have read on some nuero stuff that yellow sun glasses can trigger seizure and sunglasses so it does make sense. For now I am hoping it can help.

The movie was more painful to watch this time than the last time I watched it.   I guess the self destructive behavior, anger, pain and rebellion in the movie seems more like a distant memory to me than a part of the past that makes me feel safer.   It used to comfort me knowing that part of me was still alive and available if the circumstances warranted such dramatic protections.   

Thinking about the movie now just makes me feel sad for the things I have done and the people I pushed away with the anger.   I just hope I did not hurt others as much as I was hurting inside at the time.   

David has been so healing for me.   

I realize I had not let go a lot of the pain and the anger because I was afraid to fill the void with love and joy.   The wounds were too fresh, and the positive emotions scraped against the still healing scars causing deeper pain.  If the joy had been touched by darkness again, I could not have survived.   Better to hold on to the pain than cease to exist altogether.

Now I have to learn to let go of the pain.  And fill the void with love.   

This sounds so simple, yet it is so very scary.  This task is the hardes thing I have ever tried to do.  I hope I am strong enough to succeed.  David gives me hope that I can succeed someday.

Feeling broken right now....

flashbacks from an earlier incident today has left me off balance, off kilter.

Usually it takes a day or so for things to hit me, but today it hit a bit earlier.

I don't know if this is progress or regression, but I will know after a day gives me a broader perspective. I am too close to the feelings right now.

I am tired of feeling like the world has been ripped out from beneath me and being vulnerable. I do not deal well with vunlerable. I so want to eradicate the weakness in my walls.

To be so close yet wondering if you can make it to the finish line.


in painful disbelief


i ponder how much longer i can withstand this


I realize for others protection I should withdraw. I must save others from the darkness in my soul. I wonder if I can survive on my own.

This weary angel has fallen ... hard.... in painful disbelief

I love this story on the trouble of being on the fringes of societies acceptable beliefs when you are confronted with an emotional or mental illness.    I know of a few very close friends, and myself, who have been unable to get assistance because the truth is more dangerous than the paranoid false thoughts that plague our brains at dark times. 

I also love witchvox!


http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usoh&c=words&id=11424



No matter how wacky your shrink’s view of the universe may be, they always want you to get better (and so do I).

Time to update the old list
1 The day Spike passed (I put him down  I know it was for the best, but still, the pain stays with me)
2 The day Grandpa died
3 The day I died (at least it did not take)
4 The day of being tortured (my spirit died for a long time)
5 The day I had my abortion (drugs, other circumstance from rape, but still, the pain stays with me)

I still don't care much for Christmas, but I dont hate it anymore.   I love some of the family traditions such as the cookie decorating parties.

The day I moved back to the States is bumped off the list as I am glad now I moved back to Linthicum and Cleveland Rd.  I see that as a wonderful event now.   I like how good things in the present can improve how you view past events!   This also shows how much growth and letting go of old friendships have occured lately.  



the old list
http://kittyn-moon.livejournal.com/3388.html